Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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