i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
