I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
