I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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