Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
