After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize