batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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