Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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