Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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