she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
