all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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