my phone needs a breathalizer
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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