Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
