He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
