Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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