so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
