dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
