I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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