i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
