Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
