I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
