we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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