This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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