i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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