As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
