My friends, they love my intelligence
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Acid is not a monday night drug
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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