The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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