My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
