Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
