My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
