ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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