how can u be prego again
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
