Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
