but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
