thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
