I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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