I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
