dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
