pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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