At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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