just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
