it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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