I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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