I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
