i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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