just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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