his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
