I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize