that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize