i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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