If that was your dad, he is hot
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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