He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
