I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
