Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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