just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sober January is a disaster.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
