The best revenge is premature balding
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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