and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
