some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
