Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize