Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
